my vagina hates me.

today is the day i actually start using my blog site for something more then free parking. facebook is no longer the best place for my brain to vomit on the interwebs. now for the requisite apologies for my atrocious grammar and lack of capitalization. at some point, i may have someone edit these for your reading ease. until then, my apologies.

 

the details – it is now almost april of 2012. the last time i had sex with a man was….well… many months ago. i have found, through many years trial and error, that my pH is not compatible with everyone. we (by we i mean women) have this great friendly bacteria in our twats. i’m not entirely sure what it’s for, but it’s supposed to be a good thing. unless you end up with too much. after sex (insert PSA. do not have unprotected sex with another person unless you are in a sexually monogamous relationship and both parties have recent clean std test results.) my body decided it didn’t like my partner’s gift and the friendly bacteria threw a party.

 

killing me with kindness, so to speak. when the good bacteria throws a vaginal fiesta, you end up with Bacteria Vaginosis. no, this is not an STD. no, it’s not a yeast infection. no, it’s not contagious and your partner’s penis and/or tongue will not fall off. what it does do (caution, semi-graphic) is make your cooch smell a little on the funky side. some people equate it to stuffing a trout up there and leaving it for a few days. some women get itchy/burny/uncomfortable. some women get copious amount of thin, milky discharge – NOT the chunky cottage cheese snot-wads you see in yeast infections.

 

my point? sexy time with my last male partner gave my vagina a raging pussy-style migraine. i ignored it for a couple of days and went to my primary care dr, head held in shame and asked for the MetroGel. there is an oral anti-biotic for BV, most dr’s use cipro i think and that shit gives me full on bat shit crazy hallucinations. so i go for the gel you squish up your nonny. a few days later, my vagina was a happy girl. about 3 weeks later, it came back. so i used the gel, again. repeat, repeat, repeat. about 6 weeks ago i gave up on the metrogel idea. there HAS to be a better way to deal with this.

 

i took to the interwebs. suggestions for homeopathic remedies vary and some of them are pretty fucking out there. i saw a post on a board that read, “I like using hydrogen peroxide, full strength. it tickles, but it works.” o.O

 

another, “Apple cider vinegar is good, but dilute it or it will feel like your crotch is on fire.” wtf? my snatch and fire dont belong in the same thought. other ideas ranged from yogurt douches (there’s no fucking way i’m putting dairy products up my vag. ever.) to making your own “Tea tree oil suppositories”. granted, i didn’t realize it was called a suppository if it went in THAT hole. i always thought suppositories were strictly for back door use. hmm. you learn something new every day. BUT, knowing tea tree oil is also used in the humidifier to open your air ways when you’re sick, i was afraid to try that one.

 

i settled on the apple cider vinegar, diluted. very diluted. suggested “dosing” was 3x daily for 3-4 days, twice daily for another week and then any time symptoms creep up. it’s possible that it didn’t work for me because i dont have time to concoct science fair experiments 3 times a day. i thought about trying to do it at work. i imagined carrying around my little douche bottle with apple cider vinegar as i walk to the bathroom. “What? oh, this? yea. nothing but my salad dressing.” maybe not.

 

needless to say, twice a day didnt cut it. obviously, since i’m still bitching. tonight at wal-mart i saw a homeopathic BV treatment. $20 for the round of pussy pills. it costs more than my prescription, but for $20, if it saves me a trip to the doc, i’m all for it.

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