So I wanted to take this conversation private, the whole world doesn’t need to know our business.
First question – are you gay now? I don’t know why I even want to know, but the last time we even spoke you had just had Lucas and were still married.
Second question – where to do go to find support for you? I have had a horrible two years, and life seems to be getting worse. My bi-polar i can literally feel coming and going, and the struggle not to thrown in the towel is an hourly battle for me. (Drugs, food, blah blah). The lack of self worth is what my root issue is.
I am sorry if this is awkward, I guess I am looking for anything positive to help at this point, and you seem to be finding ways to make life workable. No worries if you aren’t into the arm chair psychologist. You are the most unique person I know, handling shit in the most unique ways, idk, just though I would reach out while I have the guts.
i have a lot of extra positive energy right now, im more than happy to share it. you’re always welcome to text also, although i’m not very prompt with my reply sometimes.
my ex-husband is a predator. our entire marriage was a sham. it looked great from the outside, but behind closed bedroom doors, he’s a rapist and i was too depressed and high on pain meds to care or stand up for myself. my boys got removed from the house by cps due to my depression and his behavior. 2 years later, cps has finally closed the case.
ive always been bi, with a preference for women but never felt like it was *ok* for me to date women to the exclusion of men. i know my picker for men is just busted, so i’ll sleep with one from time to time, but i refuse to date one or enter in to a relationship with one. i came out (or whatever) a little over a year ago, about the same time i started playing soccer again – although i dont think the 2 things are connected lol.
since then, my self confidence feels healthy. i dont obsess about what to wear on a date or worry that another single mom thinks my stretch marks are horrendous. the funny thing though… i guess my self confidence is attractive to men too, cus i get a lot more from them than i used to.
i guess thats about the same time i went back to school too. i’m in for sociology/anthropology with an emphasis on women’s rights/issues. living with a rapist made me want to know WHY some men do that, and why we, as women, tolerate it. why society tolerates it.
i still take meds for depression, ive accepted that i’ll be on something for the rest of my life because my brain chemistry has been altered by a decade of meds and life experiences, and im finally ok with that. i wish i had the magic wand for people that are suffering with mental illness, but for me it really came to being fucking sick and tired of being depressed. i mean, i was originally diagnosed in ’98 and every day i hated it, i was *tired* of it. but about half way through my 16 week program at WEAVE for domestic violence, it clicked. literally, clicked for me, in one of the sessions.
i think its because i was finally READY to heal. i think mental illness of all flavors is a mix of chemistry and experience. yes, someone can be bi-polar (or depressed etc) because their body misinterprets certain chemicals, but as soon as that starts happening physically, our actions begin to change. you know what im talking about, the mood swings or decisions we make based on our mood at the time. those actions have consequences, which influence our chemistry, which affects our mood…. its a cycle or everything is interchangeable or whatever.
but at some point, i think we either accept that we will always do “crazy” shit or we learn to recognize the crazy before it actually happens, stop ourselves and say…. “dude. youre not being rational/logical/sane. you’re being crazy” then you dont do whatever you were going to do, so the consequence doesnt have to happen, so you dont have the chemical fluctuation, etc etc etc.
i know that sounds really over simplified, but after 14 years of depression and 7 years of fibromyalgia…. something HAD to change. or i was going to die, either emotionally or physically.
xxxxxxxx, something HAS to change. if your meds dont help, MAKE your dr try different combinations. if one makes you gain weight, demand a different one. (for the life of me, i’ll never understand why they prescribe meds to women with depression that will make them gain weight). i used to be an advocate for suicide. i used to think people should have that right, to opt out. i spent a week in a coma in ’07 because i tried it, i woke up feeling lost….. then i met Mac. it took losing my kids to wake me the fuck up and decide i coudlnt live like that.
someday, something will make you put your foot down. and you’ll refuse to be ill any more. no one changes until they’re ready. until then, fake it. make it through the day. push like hell and never ever stop. surround yourself with positive people and positive energy. im not talking about anything spiritual or anything, although if religion is comforting, by all means.
my 2 best friends were every bit as toxic as my husband. they had to go. i removed all of the toxic people in my personal life, and suddenly…… there was no one dragging me down. its easier to tread water that way.
you’re welcome to ask anything, any time. i hope that you can find peace in yourself. no one else can give it to you.