the vagina monologues

i keep forgetting to update. no shock there. i saw the vagina monologues last weekend. i had no idea what to expect. the stage was bare except for 20-25 conference style folding chairs, 3 collapsable podiums and 5 microphones on stands. the cast came to the stage single-file and sat down. they were all women, and they were dressed mostly in black, with red or pink accents. two women introduced the show, gave a brief history of it and off they went.

apparently the writer has researched and interviewed women for the last 13+ years about their “down there”. young women, old women, skinny women, fat women, you get the idea. the writer had taken the dialogues from her research, cut her own side out and crafted the interviewee’s side in to something that very closely resembled a verbal blog.

one woman, i would guess she was on the young side of 60, started with, “If you love vaginas, you must also love hair,” and went on to talk about how her husband had cheated on her because she wouldn’t shave her twat. they went to a female marriage therapist, who appallingly took HIS side.

another women spoke of being the victim of female genital mutilation in the Congo. her labia had been removed and her vagina sewn shut, except for the smallest hole possible to allow urine and menstrual fluid to pass.

yet another spoke of being in a camp in BellaRus and being assaulted repeatedly by the guards, with anything they could fit inside her. some of the stories were atrocious. some were offered with a humorous aim. through all of the stories and all of the horrendous facts that accompanied the tales i didnt flinch.

at the end, they asked for all of the survivors of domestic violence and/or sexual assault to stand up. my estimate is 1 in 5 of us were standing. i felt goosebumps raise on my arms. then they asked everyone that KNEW someone that was a survivor to join those of us already standing. i think it ended up being about 90% of us. i felt the lump at the back of my throat turn in to a grimace as i tried to hold back tears. eventually, i just let them go.

to see SO many of us, in a random sampling of people, admit and acknowledge that we were or knew victims, was overwhelming, but it felt good to know that i wasnt alone.


Quick Banana Bread with Hemp Hearts

Banana Bread Recipe
Prep time: 5 minutesCook time: 1 hour
Add to shopping list
3 or 4 ripe bananas, smashed
1/3 cup melted butter
1 cup sugar (can easily reduce to 3/4 cup)
1 egg, beaten
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 teaspoon baking soda
Pinch of salt
1 1/2 cups hemp hearts
1 1/2 cups of all-purpose flour
No need for a mixer for this recipe. Preheat the oven to 350°F (175°C). With a wooden spoon, mix butter into the mashed bananas in a large mixing bowl. Mix in the sugar, egg, and vanilla. Sprinkle the baking soda and salt over the mixture and mix in. Add the flour & hemp hearts last, mix. Pour mixture into a buttered 4×8 inch loaf pan. Bake for 1 hour. Cool on a rack. Remove from pan and slice to serve.
Yield: Makes one loaf.

inspired by:

my vagina hates me.

today is the day i actually start using my blog site for something more then free parking. facebook is no longer the best place for my brain to vomit on the interwebs. now for the requisite apologies for my atrocious grammar and lack of capitalization. at some point, i may have someone edit these for your reading ease. until then, my apologies.


the details – it is now almost april of 2012. the last time i had sex with a man was….well… many months ago. i have found, through many years trial and error, that my pH is not compatible with everyone. we (by we i mean women) have this great friendly bacteria in our twats. i’m not entirely sure what it’s for, but it’s supposed to be a good thing. unless you end up with too much. after sex (insert PSA. do not have unprotected sex with another person unless you are in a sexually monogamous relationship and both parties have recent clean std test results.) my body decided it didn’t like my partner’s gift and the friendly bacteria threw a party.


killing me with kindness, so to speak. when the good bacteria throws a vaginal fiesta, you end up with Bacteria Vaginosis. no, this is not an STD. no, it’s not a yeast infection. no, it’s not contagious and your partner’s penis and/or tongue will not fall off. what it does do (caution, semi-graphic) is make your cooch smell a little on the funky side. some people equate it to stuffing a trout up there and leaving it for a few days. some women get itchy/burny/uncomfortable. some women get copious amount of thin, milky discharge – NOT the chunky cottage cheese snot-wads you see in yeast infections.


my point? sexy time with my last male partner gave my vagina a raging pussy-style migraine. i ignored it for a couple of days and went to my primary care dr, head held in shame and asked for the MetroGel. there is an oral anti-biotic for BV, most dr’s use cipro i think and that shit gives me full on bat shit crazy hallucinations. so i go for the gel you squish up your nonny. a few days later, my vagina was a happy girl. about 3 weeks later, it came back. so i used the gel, again. repeat, repeat, repeat. about 6 weeks ago i gave up on the metrogel idea. there HAS to be a better way to deal with this.


i took to the interwebs. suggestions for homeopathic remedies vary and some of them are pretty fucking out there. i saw a post on a board that read, “I like using hydrogen peroxide, full strength. it tickles, but it works.” o.O


another, “Apple cider vinegar is good, but dilute it or it will feel like your crotch is on fire.” wtf? my snatch and fire dont belong in the same thought. other ideas ranged from yogurt douches (there’s no fucking way i’m putting dairy products up my vag. ever.) to making your own “Tea tree oil suppositories”. granted, i didn’t realize it was called a suppository if it went in THAT hole. i always thought suppositories were strictly for back door use. hmm. you learn something new every day. BUT, knowing tea tree oil is also used in the humidifier to open your air ways when you’re sick, i was afraid to try that one.


i settled on the apple cider vinegar, diluted. very diluted. suggested “dosing” was 3x daily for 3-4 days, twice daily for another week and then any time symptoms creep up. it’s possible that it didn’t work for me because i dont have time to concoct science fair experiments 3 times a day. i thought about trying to do it at work. i imagined carrying around my little douche bottle with apple cider vinegar as i walk to the bathroom. “What? oh, this? yea. nothing but my salad dressing.” maybe not.


needless to say, twice a day didnt cut it. obviously, since i’m still bitching. tonight at wal-mart i saw a homeopathic BV treatment. $20 for the round of pussy pills. it costs more than my prescription, but for $20, if it saves me a trip to the doc, i’m all for it.